Found: User Conflict Eradication Moped Death Machine
This masterpiece of DIY engineering has everything required to ride where wherever you damn well please including a crossbow, tomahawk, saw, tactical knife, tactical NECK knife, and a harpoon, because, you know, whales.
While the bike is aimed at the survivalist community, I portend its real role to be the utter elimination of any and all user conflict. The current turmoil over at Pinkbike regarding the impact of e-bikes will come to a swift end when Blacknose, ginger-wheels, and Elvenezeulan get a little re-education from the business end of the included Barnett Recruit Compound Crossbow. How many hikers are going to show up at the next BLM meeting after a run in with a United Cutlery M48 Hawk Tomahawk? Horseback riders? Did I mention the $!%#@ Harpoon?
The complete list of Survival Bike accessories is an impressive showcase of some of the finest sharp and pointy things money can buy:
- Barnett Recruit Compound Crossbow
- Rotopax RX-1G Gas Packs – 1 Gallon
- United Cutlery M48 Tactical Survival Shovel
- United Cutlery M48 Hawk Tomahawk
- United Cutlery M48 Hawk Harpoon
- Gerber Fixed Blade Saw
- Blackburn X6 Light System
- Black Diamond Carabiners / Climbing rope
- Cree Mini LED Flashlight
- BioLogic Bike Mount for iPhone4/gps
- Tool Logic Tactical Multifunction Knife / light
- Tool Logic Credit Card Companion multi-tool
- CRKT Guppie multi-tool
- Tactical-Warrior Neck Knife [ed note: not clear if Knife is designed to wear around or insert into Neck]
Motoped is also bringing the wheel size debate to what I expect will be its final, brutal conclusion by designing their platform around a 26-inch front and 24-inch rear. Luckily, you can use the included Gerber saw to hack up your now obsolete 27.5 and 29-inch rims.
Unfortunately, there is no price for the complete Survival Bike. The $1,999 Motoped Rolling Chassis Kit includes suspension from DNM, an Answer cockpit, and Hayes brakes. You are on your own for the engine and all the fiddly bits like a throttle and gas tank, but the manufacturer estimates the cost at a mere $535. No word yet on pricing for pictured upgrades like the White Bros fork, or conversion rates from USD to GMO seed, Krugerrands, or any other common barter item.
The most benevolent leaders of Motoped have provided a glimpse of our harmonious future in this promotional video from their first, failed Kickstarter campaign. While you watch it, I’ll be working on my bunker.