Found: User Conflict Eradication Moped Death Machine

Motobike Loaded Survival Bike

TheAwesomer.com unearthed the future of mountain biking: the Survival Bike by Motoped. List everything you own on craigslist, and get ready for things to get real after the jump.

This masterpiece of DIY engineering has everything required to ride where wherever you damn well please including a crossbow, tomahawk, saw, tactical knife, tactical NECK knife, and a harpoon, because, you know, whales.

While the bike is aimed at the survivalist community, I portend its real role to be the utter elimination of any and all user conflict. The current turmoil over at Pinkbike regarding the impact of e-bikes will come to a swift end when Blacknose, ginger-wheels, and Elvenezeulan get a little re-education from the business end of the included Barnett Recruit Compound Crossbow.  How many hikers are going to show up at the next BLM meeting after a run in with a United Cutlery M48 Hawk Tomahawk? Horseback riders? Did I mention the $!%#@ Harpoon?

Motoped Trail Etiquette

The Norcal Motoped dealer demonstrating frustration at current model’s lack of multiple tactical cutting tools

The complete list of Survival Bike accessories is an impressive showcase of some of the finest sharp and pointy things money can buy:

  • Barnett Recruit Compound Crossbow
  • Rotopax RX-1G Gas Packs – 1 Gallon
  • United Cutlery M48 Tactical Survival Shovel
  • United Cutlery M48 Hawk Tomahawk
  • United Cutlery M48 Hawk Harpoon
  • Gerber Fixed Blade Saw
  • Blackburn X6 Light System
  • Black Diamond Carabiners / Climbing rope
  • Cree Mini LED Flashlight
  • BioLogic Bike Mount for iPhone4/gps
  • Tool Logic Tactical Multifunction Knife / light
  • Tool Logic Credit Card Companion multi-tool
  • CRKT Guppie multi-tool
  • Tactical-Warrior Neck Knife [ed note: not clear if Knife is designed to wear around or insert into Neck]

Motoped is also bringing the wheel size debate to what I expect will be its final, brutal conclusion by designing their platform around a 26-inch front and 24-inch rear. Luckily, you can use the included Gerber saw to hack up your now obsolete 27.5 and 29-inch rims.

Unfortunately, there is no price for the complete Survival Bike. The $1,999 Motoped Rolling Chassis Kit includes suspension from DNM, an Answer cockpit, and Hayes brakes.  You are on your own for the engine and all the fiddly bits like a throttle and gas tank, but the manufacturer estimates the cost at a mere $535. No word yet on pricing for pictured upgrades like the White Bros fork, or conversion rates from USD to GMO seed, Krugerrands, or any other common barter item.

The most benevolent leaders of Motoped have provided a glimpse of our harmonious future in this promotional video from their first, failed Kickstarter campaign. While you watch it, I’ll be working on my bunker.

Motobike Loaded Survival Bike Left Tank

Keep your GPS targeted on non-compliant user groups

Motobike Loaded Survival Bike Right Back

Tomahawk unsheathed for quick access

Motobike Loaded Survival Bike Harpoon

Harpoon (Neck Knife?) ready to assist with overtaking maneuvers

Comments

fred - 08/06/14 - 9:29pm

I would really rather have a DRZ400SM…

Hobbanero - 08/06/14 - 9:36pm

And the new Mad Max movie is out soon to give you a visual user guide.

Sam - 08/06/14 - 11:56pm

Did they build a time machine to get those parts? Where the hell did they get that loveseat?

JasonK - 08/07/14 - 1:01am

So, I love to nitpick BR’s copy editing. But if they keep publishing stuff like this, I won’t be able to complain any more. The writing is good! The tone is just right and there are no obvious errors. Plus, that was just fun to read. I particularly liked the running neck knife joke.

Bravo, Bike Rumor! You’re getting better!

Slow learner - 08/07/14 - 5:18am

Until today I was unaware that ‘Neck Knives’ existed. I feel enriched. Nice article.

AlanM - 08/07/14 - 10:39am

“Did I mention the $!%#@ Harpoon?” Best line ever written on BR.

Eric.NM - 08/07/14 - 12:26pm

Only a mount for iPhone 4? Obsolete.
FAIL.
Sincerely,
[ed. note: name withheld for personal safety reasons]

Igor - 08/07/14 - 9:01pm

They’ve listened to “let’s get ridiculous” and this ‘bike’ was invented!!!

Scott - 08/07/14 - 11:23pm

Stupid! Buy a DRZ or an old XR. Better and cheaper.

captain derp - 08/08/14 - 8:36am

you’re not gonna be surviving much on a moped with the two worst tires ever created.

Matthew - 08/09/14 - 4:37pm

I would love to see this with an engine that could run on ethanol. Now that would be a bug out vehicle from hell!!!

Barry - 08/27/14 - 5:58pm

I am a 59 year old, that grew up in the mountains above Boulder CO. I bought a motoped off their Kickstarter campaign. It cost me, after adding engine and parts, about $2,300. I have ridden cycles in the mountains before it was called Mountain Biking. I bought the motoped because of the blend of DH mountain bike and light motorcycle. This was the best kit I have ever built!
I am a polite trail rider when I’m on it. What a blast! My first ride out was up Rollins Pass for a round trip of about 20 miles. It goes uphill sitting in the saddle over rough trail so smooth. Coming back down I coasted 3/4 of the way and it just floats. No chain slap!
You will never catch me riding this on a bicycle path. I watched what happened around Boulder, as the Mountain bikes got kicked off of the open space trails because of aggression toward day hikers. I pull up for everybody, they want to know what it is anyway
Don’t knock it until you take it for a spin. The company can’t keep up with the orders of the kit, they must be on to something. Love the 4 stroke, light weight, the way it coasts DH. Every time I get on it I have a big smile on my face.

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