eHarmony’s 15 Reasons to Date a Cyclist, and the Response that Wins the Internet

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Photo by wombat biker

Normally, I wouldn’t go out of my way to bring attention to an internet dating site, but this time I think we can make an exception. You see, eHarmony recently put out a list of the 15 reasons why you should date a cyclist. As we all know, there are countless more reasons, but it’s nice to see the rest of the world taking notice of just how awesome we all are [insert internet sarcasm here]. The eHarmony list is entertaining enough, but then a cyclist by the name of Andrew Stackhouse replied with his own list that definitely wins the internet for the day.

See what it really means to date a cyclist, at least according to Andrew after the break…

The eHarmony List as written by eHarmony staff:

1. Two words: bicycle shorts.

2. It’s science: Cyclists are hot. A recent study found that cyclists who excelled in the Tour de France are perceived as more attractive than other athletes — and that the top 10 percent of cyclists “is about 25 percent more attractive than the lowest 10 percent.” Maybe fast is the new rich?

3. Cyclists are smart. According to a recent Mindlab survey, most people view cyclists as 13 percent more intelligent than the average person.

4. Cyclists are good. According to the same survey, cyclists are generally viewed as 10 percent more charitable than non-cyclists.

5. Your date will be around for a while. Pro cyclists live, on average, 6.3 more years than non-cyclists. (Um, as long as they don’t get hit by a car.)

6. Cyclists are handy. After years of honing bike-maintenance skills, your date will be up for fixing things around the house, too.

7. The great outdoors. If you’re sick of dating indoor cats, date a cyclist. You’ll get reacquainted with nature. And maybe even travel a little more.

8. Cyclists are committed — and don’t accept defeat. Hopefully this extends to their pursuit of relationship success, too.

9. No lazy bums here, just toned ones. Cyclists are disciplined, often rigorously so, and will withstand the elements to get their rides in.

10. Cyclists are constantly setting goals for themselves. If you want a forward-thinking date, look no further.

11. Cyclists have great near-death-experience stories to share, which is also why they’re also sticklers about safety.

12. You can start cycling, too! Your date will be thrilled to share his/her enthusiasm for the sport. In fact, the whole family can join in, should the two of you eventually procreate.

13. Cyclists don’t call in sick. According to a 2013 survey by the National Cycle Network, cyclists take half the number of sick days as their public transportation-riding colleagues.

14. Think your date’s obsession with the open road is a little over-the-top? He’s saner than you think. Studies have shown that vigorous exercise like cycling can boost concentration and memory while reducing stress and anxiety. The bike is good for his brain.

15. Love the planet? Cycling is as green as it gets.

And here is Andrew Stackhouse’s Epic Reply:

As an avid cyclist who could, in the broadest sense of the term, be deemed a “professional,” and, more importantly, as someone who is incredibly vain and insecure about how he is perceived by the opposite sex (my wife isn’t reading this, right), let me be the first person to help fix what is clearly the wanton misconceptions of cyclists by the hack-internet-survey responding public.

To wit, my line-by-line critique:

1) No woman, ever, ever, evereverever, has looked at a dude’s sweaty bulge, semi-transparent crack covering, or dawn-over-the-sahara tan lines and said, “THAT looks like dating material.”

2) I’m pretty sure women’s tennis is the only sport where mediocre athletes are considered more attractive than all-stars.

3) There is nothing smart about eagerly spending thousands of dollars on bike parts to shave grams. GRAMS. (side note: cyclists exclusively use the metric system, which is also super hot)

4) Cycling is the only amateur sport where advanced-beginner old guys demand cash prizes for finishing in the top ten. That makes yachting look charitable.

5) Oh, eHarmony, you rascals, it IS funny that the only socially acceptable form of murder is killing a cyclist with a car. P.S. eHarmony is Match.com for ugly people.

6) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA [note: my wife submitted this one]

7) Just to be clear, dating a bike racer is not going to involve leisurely outings in the alps, its going to involve getting up before dawn, driving five hours to the middle of nowhere, then spending the remainder of the day standing on a deserted corner with a water bottle waiting for your date. If the children of the corn don’t get to you first, you will get to spend the ride home being yelled at because he dropped the bottle you tried to hand him as he blazed by at mach 3. Before suggesting “why not just carry one more bottle yourself,” see Line Item 3, above.

8) In the face of defeat, cyclists are rather notorious for cheating.

9) Like Great Danes, cyclists look hard working, but pretty much spend all their non-cycling time eating and sleeping. Unlike Great Danes, they whine. A lot.

10) Cyclist’s goals are often related to body fat percentage. Women LOVE guys that talk about fat.

11) Someone who is safety conscious has had, at most, one near death experience, and they don’t consider it “great.” If you gleefully recount multiple said stories, you are not safety conscious, you are member of the Dauntless Faction.

12) Your date will be thrilled to share his enthusiasm for all things cycling related: bicycles, bicycle parts, bicycle riders, bicycles races, bicycles, bicycles, BICYCLES! If you mistakenly try to actually ride a bike with your date, it will either be on a “recovery day” when, despite the pace and distance being roughly double what you agreed to, he will whine about his training, or during the “off season” which will be even longer, faster rides that take place while it is snowing out.

13) Sure, your date may make it to work, but after being up all night picking gravel out of his butt, you won’t.

14) I’m pretty sure the definition of insanity is a dude who shaves his legs while having internet fights about which $3,000 wheels are “fastest.”

15) Your date, like a hemp-wearing vegan Prius driver, will never, ever, let you forget how green he is. Ever.

Addendum: All of the above critiques apply to male cyclists.
Any woman on a bike is the most hottests thing evers.
EVERS.

Thanks for the laugh Andrew!

Comments

M - 05/29/14 - 9:15am

14) I’m pretty sure the definition of insanity is a dude who shaves his legs while having internet fights about which $3,000 wheels are “fastest.”

Thats the best one!

anthony - 05/29/14 - 9:20am

Further to #10 – It makes ladies feel secure when they hear you call your buddy who’s 6 feet tall and 165 pounds “fat”

Pancakes - 05/29/14 - 9:24am

Spot on.

As far as 15, I’m frankly not that green, I drive hours every weekend to race my bike around in circles.

JAKE - 05/29/14 - 9:39am

they forgot all leg muscle and a anorexic upper body.

Jaaaaaaaaaaaames - 05/29/14 - 9:44am

I one time asked my girlfriend if my tan lines were cool (cause I was outside and active or something) and she laughed at the entire ride home.

nukeproof - 05/29/14 - 9:47am

oh im so guilty at number 6…

Jared - 05/29/14 - 9:57am

Andrew Stackhouse is not a professional cyclist in even the most broad sense of the term

Mario - 05/29/14 - 11:22am

Why is that dating site writing his like only males ride bikes and only females look for dates on their website?

Dr. Sartorious - 05/29/14 - 11:57am

As for the green factor, mountain bikers rank ZERO on this, since 98.5% of them drive big flatbiller trucks (ie., Fox stickers, Dakine tailgate guard, the grenade logo (what company is that?), a NOTW sticker, some pro-gun decal, etc.) to the trailhead.

fgh - 05/29/14 - 12:01pm

I’ll just point out that very few countries do not use the metric system. and when they don’t -they still do for all science applications.

I wouldn’t exactly make fun of the metric system. its superior.
using imperial units is the joke if anything.

Techrider - 05/29/14 - 1:20pm

In America, the only users of the metric system are some cyclists, and all drug dealers. Hmmm?

Katherine - 05/29/14 - 1:26pm

98.5% of MTBers drive big trucks? Dr. S, you need to broaden your experiences, good sir. I live on Colorado’s front range. 98.5% of MTBers I know (and I know a lot since I work in the MTB industry) will ride stupid amounts of road miles on their mountain bikes to get to a trail head. Of my 50+ coworkers, most drive small cars. The only ones with trucks also do professional trail building and need room for big, dirty tools, and most of those trucks are company cars for work purposes. With all due respect, your view is rather narrow.

And back to what this thread is really about … the response does win the Internet. Nitpicking aside, it was hilarious. Thanks for sharing!

Karyo - 05/29/14 - 1:29pm

15 reasons, and not one mention of the incredible sexual stamina we all possess? Seems remiss to me.

Sara - 05/29/14 - 1:31pm

You can tell this was written by a man because it assumes all cyclists are men. Come on guys, we’re not in the 1800′s anymore. Women are cyclists. And women in general find men talking about what women want very unsexy because they absolutely have no clue.

Neil - 05/29/14 - 1:31pm

I’m pretty sure after 9 years my wife is tired of my collection of bikes taking up valuable space in the house, the closet full of spandex, and the 3 to 4 hours I disappear for on Saturdays and Sundays, and the separate and secret “budget” for bikes, parts, and maintenance.

As for “green”, the 8 cylinder SUV I “just had to have” to haul my mountain bikes is certainly not green, vegan, or any other word you can come up with.

Dan - 05/29/14 - 1:42pm

Dr. Sartorious – Lets not group all mountain bikers in with the shuttle-tards and park rats. Maybe one mountain biker I’ve known or ridden with fits that description. Your decimal is in the wrong place…try 9.85%

Topmounter - 05/29/14 - 1:47pm

Gross generalizations 4TW!

This desperately needs to be broken down into types of cyclists…

e.g. Road, Mountain (gravity and non-gravity), Tri-guys, Commuters, BMX, DJ, Flatlanders, Drunk-Bikers, etc.

Saris Mercanti - 05/29/14 - 1:57pm

Frankly, I found Andrew’s #2 comment to be off putting to the high heeled set.

Jess - 05/29/14 - 2:32pm

As a man Andrew is not qualified to respond to #1. I am a woman and it is one of the reasons why I keep showing up for all the group rides in my city as I’m usually the only woman there. I don’t know what woman doesn’t want to spend an hour plus behind a bunch of guys wearing tight cycling pants. Heck, it’s one of the reason I love to watch bike races. However, it may just be me….

Turner - 05/29/14 - 3:40pm

I cycle because I have End Stage Liver Disease and Hepatitis C and need a transplant within the next couple of years. I feel normal not handi-capped by this disease when I cycle, it pumps endorphins, circulates blood thru my cirrhosis packed liver and I can breathe without it being labor. Yes, I love my female ass, its a perk of cycling, I love thrills, I don’t want to bleed out however and my Platelet count is mind blowing low. We are all just human but addicted to this discipline or I am. I do believe it increases one’s ability to focus as my life depends on focus and also on letting traffic here in the surf mecca of the world where its rural ocean narrow highways see that I am riding with tourust, locals, cars, trucks, everyone in mind. Its remarkable how great 99% of the traffic is around me. Aloha

satisFACTORYrider - 05/29/14 - 4:23pm

16. cuz you like posers

Psi Squared - 05/29/14 - 5:39pm

@Turner: kudos to you and your riding. Here’s hoping your time on the tx list is short.

Jamesw2 - 05/29/14 - 5:58pm

@ Turner Your new liver just may come from a cyclist

john doe - 05/29/14 - 5:59pm

dont forget low sperm count

t1griff - 05/29/14 - 8:16pm

Jess marry me

Andrew Stackhouse - 05/29/14 - 9:29pm

Making BikeRumor is seriously the greatest thing that has happened to me ever.
One: I am now, in the broadest sense, a professional author.
Two: I can tell my wife reading angry comments about the SRAM hydraulic recall counts as “working.”

Jan Reece - 05/30/14 - 2:02am

As a Female I have never felt better, cycling has become my passion, my solace, and it gave me my life back following a broken back and lots of pain. Now I feel spectacular, and he’s right about the last line “Female’s who cycle are just hot!” The fat melts off, you get stronger every time you go out, smarter too, and biking creates the best possible person you can become-beautiful, courageous, and Free.

NotAMachinist - 05/30/14 - 9:41am

According to my girlfriend, #2 is true in Men’s tennis too.

Cxisfun? - 05/30/14 - 10:11am

Don’t forget the home decor bikes, parts, wheels, cycling clothing in almost every room. That is if your single. Or maybe not.

BikeGirl - 05/30/14 - 10:17am

Best reason to date a cyclist: 16) We will assimilate you! My husband now has 5 bikes (one more than me, but who’s counting?), matching tan lines, we go to races together, but I still work on his bike more often than he does. When we met, he was using his uncle’s old steel frame road bike with downtube shifters, and he didn’t draft. We ride road, mountain, and snow.

Craig - 05/30/14 - 12:12pm

Katherine maybe right about mtn biker maybe true since my other bike is an F-150, but I don’t have any Fox stickers…I have NRA and remember 9/11 stickers on it instead.

Spandex? Wore it once and had a health issue. Now I just wear 5.11 gear to bike. Normally, keep sneakers in my pack so I can hit the gym.

The original post about surviving in climate weather is right since I live in North Dakota and I have ridden in blizzards and sub-zero weather.

Sarah - 05/31/14 - 2:19am

I couldn’t imagine the horror of dating a non-cyclist – it’s taken me 20 years and I still haven’t completely upgraded/upskilled/addicted the last non-cyclist I dated.

A girl friend is having slightly more luck, after she breaks up with guys they call her up saying “I just bought a bike, want to ride?”

Rocco - 05/31/14 - 11:35am

Cyclists make quality time a requisite in life. They are all healthy, eat well and when they end the day with there sweetheart they are not only able, grateful, and loving…they look good all over! This applies to almost all cyclists…As long as they are not to obsessed!!!

Jess - 05/31/14 - 4:04pm

t1griff, I have to ride behind you before I make any commitments

Oclvroadbikerider - 06/01/14 - 10:49pm

Why does everyone bash Prius owners? I get two bikes IN my Prius (where they are safe) with out diminishing the aerodynamics. When I put two bikes on an exterior rack it cut my mileage by 20%! Since I’m Cheap/ frugal, that is what I bought the excellent car for, not because I was going to save the polar bears (which are INCREASING in population) or be so arrogant as to think we can influence the climate one way or the other.
Luckily (well not really) I don’t have to worry about the dating thing, I just married another cyclist many years ago, or closing on 100k ago!

Rachel - 06/05/14 - 3:28pm

@Andrew Stackhouse – you forgot to mention the turn on that is male cyclists with muddy tire tracks down the front of their face.
I can’t believe you managed to write this without profanity. I almost thought it wasn’t you.
-An old Team Mercury Friend

Andrew Stackhouse - 06/06/14 - 12:47am

Rachel! I just told that story the other day. Hilarious. Also, it took me two hours to figure out how to leave out all the f-bombs. Drop me a line and let’s catch up stack out at hotmail

Craig - 06/12/14 - 2:47am

Oclvroadbikerider, because no intelligent Dakotan would trust one in a blizzard. And the cold cuts the life of the batteries in half. The carbon foot print triples because of it here.

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