Roundup: April Fools Fun from Chris King, Pure Fix, Cane Creek & American Classic

Here’s a little taste of some of the better fake releases we got today, pasted in their entirety where available. It’s the least we could do considering the work they put into it. Enjoy!

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Chris King Precision Components pioneers #GRAVELVISION, a new methodology for contextualizing our components within the fast developing riding category of gravel grinding.

Take a moment and look around. Our world is not made solely of thick black tarmac and narrow winding trails. Between these two lives something, a treasure hiding in plain view. The wind knows this secret and it whispers a single word, a word that is echoed down the long straight stretches of forgotten roads, over under serviced potholes and across cracked and broken chip seal. That word is GRAVEL.

At Chris King Precision Components we listen to the words of the wind. This season we are proud to introduce a new way of looking at our product. That’s right, instead of spending long hours in development and testing we realized that with almost three decades of high quality component development infused into our current lineup what was needed wasn’t an entirely new product but rather a new way of looking at our existing product. We are calling this new perspective Gravel Vision.

What is Gravel Vision? It is a simple process. The first step is to go outside and find a handful of gravel. Gravel can be found lining the edges of paved roads, in and around the grates of street gutters, or in the nearest planter. If you can’t find any gravel don’t fret, the nearest nursery or gardening store will have plenty to choose from and a bag of gravel wont break your pocket book, (though it may break your back, be careful to lift with your legs). Once you have found your handful of gravel take it with you into your favorite bike shop and ask to look at their selection of Chris King products. Roll the gravel between the palms of your hands as you look them over. You may not recognize it at first but you are activating new neural pathways, linking up previously unconnected portions of your brain.
Notice the R45 and R45 Disc Hubs, in the past you may have thought that these legendary hubs were made strictly for high performance road and cross riding, but now that you are using Gravel Vision you see that their unparalleled quality and durability makes these components the perfect choice for your new “grinder” wheelset. Your new appreciation doesn’t stop there, in fact it spreads across our entire range of components from threaded bottom brackets, to our NoThreadset headsets.

The realization hits you like a lightening bolt, Chris King components are perfect for gravel grinding, and you wonder, “Wow all of these Chris King components are built to keep me grinding, how did I not see this before?” We can sympathize; other light-weight race-ready parts may not be built to withstand the rigors of sustained gravel grinding abuse and you developed the systemic response we call “my components have failed me in the middle of nowhere and I can’t have that happen again or MCHFMITMONAICHTHA.” With Gravel Vision you gain a new perspective on our legendary components and realize that the gravel grinding components you have been seeking were in front of you the whole time. Yes, it seems so obvious now, Chris King components are perfect for gravel grinding, and with the help of Gravel Vision there is no need to worry about MCHFMITMONAICHTHA anymore.

We think that this new perspective is so important that we are offering it to our dealers and consumers free of charge, we are calling this our Teach A Man To Fish initiative and we have no doubt that soon enough you will be catching your limit of our beautiful components.

AMERICAN CLASSIC UNVEILS NEW FREEWHEEL HUB PROTOTYPE

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American Classic gave their Facebook fans a sneak peak at their new old school Freewheel Hub with promises they can see the prototype at Sea Otter Classic in booth 464 and a release at Eurobike show in September.

CANE CREEK ENTERS SPORTS NUTRITION WITH SKINK SKAT

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News has leaked from the offices of Cane Creek Cycling Components that they will push into the sports nutrition market. Cane Creek is known best for its standard-setting innovations like the threadless headset and Double Barrel family of shocks, and they are now ready to change the way cyclists feel about and interact with sports nutrition. Like other rule-breaking innovations, this change will likely

meet with some resistance at first and many will be uncomfortable with it during the early stages of market penetration.

When probed about the new product, Holly Colson, Director of Marketing at Cane Creek stated, “We simply recognized a hole in the market and wanted to fill it. It may seem like a stretch for a components company to enter an entirely new product area, such as sports nutrition, but we are confident that SkinkSkat, the world’s first energy suppository, will be widely accepted.”

SkinkSkat, a family of energy suppositories, are designed to gradually transfer nutritional calories to the rider during the length of their ride. Revolutionary SkinkSkat is also customized based on cycling discipline and tailored to fit the specific metabolic demands of each.

Cane Creek R&D leader Josh Coaplen said SkinkSkat was conceived based on need, and somewhat on want. According to Coaplen, “Necessity is the mother of invention. In the case of SkinkSkat, the concept was birthed during a group ride. Because of my tri-athletic bike handling skills, I’m uncomfortable riding in groups. I needed a way to pack in a lot of energy quickly without requiring the use of my hands. I can pound a SkinkSkat before a long ride to satisfy my energy demands in a safe and non-intrusive way. I think many other cyclists feel the same way, but won’t admit it.”

Cane Creek developed SkinkSkat in conjunction with famed exercise physiologist and sports nutritionist Ben Dover, Ph.D., author of Butter Will Make You Fat.

“Simple carbs ingested through the stomach can fuel muscles fast, but depending on your metabolism and the duration of your ride, you may not want to rely on your mouth alone,” Dover said. “This new system allows your metabolism to draw energy from at least two separate sources.” The sports suppository is designed to transfer nutritional benefits to the rider faster than any other product. As an added bonus, SkinkSkat leaves the body faster than its competition as well.

Design Engineer and downhill racer Brandon Blakely said it can be difficult sometimes to get nutrients quickly enough, especially for racers who might struggle to choke down food in the nervous moments before an event.

“We all use supplements, and our products are sophisticated. It was time to put those two together,” Blakley said. “We heard some athletes were sucking down sardines and Spam. That is just gross” According to Malcolm Hadley, long time advocate of taking people out of their comfort zones, “We have done extensive market testing at charity rides. Once they try it, people are really into it.”

SkinkSkat are available online (discreet packaging of course) or through your favorite local bike shop.

PURE FIX

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Spokes are for suckers! They add weight, increase drag, and transmit harsh road bumps up to the rider, but for years they’ve been the only way to keep your hubs attached to your wheels. Until now.

Thanks to dynamo-hub powered electromagnets, neodymium rim inserts, and some engineering magic, the Nikola makes spokes a thing of the past. At low speeds, the magnetic field generated keeps the rims stable and allows some wiggle-room to absorb road shock (imagine invisible magnetic shocks and you’ll get a sense of how cool it is), at higher speeds the stronger field keeps your rims stiff so you don’t lose any energy to flexing like on a standard spoked wheel. This is bascially the coolest thing you’re going to see all year. 1 part mag-lev train, 1 part urban-assault bicycle, 100% Pure.

Comments

off-roadie - 04/01/14 - 10:22pm

From this point forward, I expect all measurements to be given in gerbil units. Weight and size of course. Also, braking temperature should be presented as a percentage of a gerbil’s body temperature. Frame geometries should be given relative to the angles through which a gerbil can squeeze. Finally, tire volume should be based on how many gerbils can fit inside. It is high time the bike industry became more standardized!

Rowan - 04/01/14 - 11:21pm

Gerbil units would be great!… b

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