First they brought us the Jens Voigt Sound Board. Next, it was the equally amusing Lance Armstrong Legalbot 6000, and the Jonathan Vaughters Soundboard as well. In addition to the digital products the Jens Voigt Army has brought us, they also have quite a selection of actual products as well – mostly.
Take the Royal Tendon Balm by Northwest Knew Warmers above, it’s actual embrocation that smells like Earl Grey Tea, bergamot, specifically. JVA says it will “give you the power of Castle Earl Greyskull. Plus, Lady Chatterley will want to get all Victorian Spice Channel on your calf parts.”
The rest of the gear? Well most of it is real, though a few items, like Taint Paint – you’ll have to read on to find out.
If you’re looking for a new computer, but the standard models don’t show how super serious you are about your training, pick up a Team JVA and Jahvahaah Internationale edition Cateye Strada wireless computer for 60 bucks. I won’t even try to describe these, as JVA’s description on their site is perfect as always.
Totally real is their 3D cycling caps with 3D glasses. Made with the multi-dimensional help of Pactimo Cycling Apparel, the $23 caps include a pair of 3D glasses to bring them to life. The hats match JVA’s 3D skinsuits that are currently not for sale.
Want to know how hard you’re shredding it? Hand out a Shreddit consultation card to onlookers gawking at your spandex clad awesomeness and have them assess your shredding. Included with any order from JVA.
Based on JVA’s location in the Pacific Northwest, JVA team members spend quite a bit of time eating spray from the tires of their teammates, so they thought why not do something about it? Flavor Flaps to the rescue. Crafted from real, organic fruit leather, the flavored tail flaps use their patented hydro-enjuicening technology to flavor the spray from the wheels before it hits your mouth. Unfortunately, clean up from the flavor flaps proved to be quite a mess, so they are currently unavailable. That, and they don’t exist.
Going along with the Royal Tendon Balm, JVA’s Taint Paint may soon replace your favorite Chamois cream.
“Hand-crafted by nubile wood nymphs in JVA’s secret Oregon research facility, JVA Taint Paint is like a tender smooch to your saddle-weary gooch. Available in whimsical Bacon-Cheddar and Salmon Mousse flavour, and in both coarse and fine grit. Oh, and we’re really going to make this. Seriously. We are in with the Oregon hippie skincare mafia, and they totally have our backs. Check back for details on where and how to buy.”
Better check their site on the daily for availability.