April Fools Roundup, Part One – Bicycle Spoofs & More!

Cane Creek double barrel churn air shock april fools 2013

The new Cane Creek Churn Double Barrel Air shock takes all technology precedents and “laws” of physics and throws them out the window to create the most advanced rear suspension shock ever devised. It’s so advance, it took seven years in development. One of prototyping, one of testing and five to write the owner’s manual!

Check out the full press release, more images and plenty more company’s “news” from April 1, 2013, after the break…

CANE CREEK PRESS RELEASE: The CHURN is the first of a family of products developed by the Double Barrel-Advanced Generation division (DB-AG). DB-AG was created inside the marketing department of Cane Creek to challenge the standard model of engineering.

According to Holly Colson, Global President of Marketing at Cane Creek, “We are not encumbered by formal engineering training so ignoring the actual ‘laws’ of physics allows us to shift the paradigms of product development. Every idea we have is so out of the box, we don’t even have boxes anymore. The key to DB-AG is to focus on coming up with kickass names and acronyms for stuff we want and the engineers come up with something for our great names.”

For the CHURN, Cane Creek developed an entirely new, organic and re- newable suspension fluid and shaft coating, code named G.O.L.B. (Good Ol’ Liquid Butterfat).

“We were getting tired of always hearing the comparisons to butter,” said Josh Coaplen, R&D Commander President. “It was always, smooth as butter, or buttery smooth, or some other lingual permutation involving the words smooth and butter. So now, instead of being “like” butter, it is butter.”

Josh was quick to point out that the system is self-lubricating, so that as the suspension is used, G.O.L.B. becomes butter. This keeps everything, ahem, buttery smooth.

On the CHURN, each of the four standard Double Barrel adjusters is itself adjustable, leading to an exponential growth in adjustability. That’s right, adjustable adjust- ability. For those riders who demand a high level of tune- ability, just “turn up” the ad- juster’s adjusters. For riders who like to “set it and forget it”, there is a straightforward tuning process for adjusting out the adjustability. The 17th adjustment is a big red button, “that doesn’t really do anything,” says Jim Morrison, Elder Design Engineer at Cane Creek. “Marketing just said it had to have a button.”

According to Cane Creek, 100% of riders cannot reap the benefits of the CHURN. Liter- ally, there is nobody alive that is qualified to ride the CHURN. For testing, Cane Creek built a bike riding robot, BikeBot, to explore the CHURN’S limits. BikeBot was programmed to only speak French so we could not interview it, though we overheard the sound “braaaaaap”.

Applications for CHURN shocks are being accepted for children under 5 that, through extensive physical and DNA testing, are found to have a statistical likelihood of winning at least 20 World Cup races. To date, only two applications have been approved, Bam Hill and Duke Hannah. Applications are downloadable in The Lounge on www.canecreek.com.

PEDROS ANNOUNCES CONDITION SPECIFIC TIRE LEVERS

Pedros condition specific tire levers

Pedro’s is launching a line line of tire levers with options for different conditions.

‘Condition Appropriate Technology (CAT),’ a proprietary portfolio of plastics, available only from Pedro’s, has been developed with renowned plastics engineers to optimize the tire removal user experience. Each tire lever has been specifically engineered, to suit seasonal conditions, as indicated by their color.

Spring CAT, Green: Optimized for common springtime conditions, the Green Spring CAT offers excellent grip in wet tire conditions perfect for spring showers. When you get caught in the rain and need to fix a flat quickly, green is your lever of choice!

Summer CAT, Yellow: Pedro’s most popular color, and not surprisingly, the most popular riding season, the Yellow Summer CAT offers an extra slippery plastic, perfect for tires softened in the summer heat. While other levers stick, Summer CAT excels.

Fall CAT, Orange: Designed to handle large temperature variation, the Orange Fall CAT offers proprietary aerospace plastics that change properties based on temperature. With fall temperatures all over the map, Pedro’ s Fall C A T is the best solution ever created for fall tire removal.

Winter CAT, Pink: Not just for the ladies anymore, Pink Winter CAT is specially designed and manufactured with tougher-than-nails plastic optimized for frigid temperatures, with increased dexterity and grip, making winter tire removal a breeze, even with bulky gloves and rock-hard frozen tires.

SRAM FK ULTRALIGHT ROAD BIKE INTEGRATES COMPONENTS DIRECTLY INTO FRAME

SRAM-FK road bike with integrated components in frame april fools 2013

SRAM’s president Stan Day balances with one finger SRAM’s newest and most revolutionary entry into the market—the featherweight SRAM FK integrated frameset and components.

It weighs 9.9 pounds (4.5 kilos), well under the legal UCI weight limit, and features SRAM’s new 14-speed with a 9-tooth cog with a stretch-resistant micro-thin chain, plus an electric-assist drive train

SRAM engineered at tiny electric motor that fits inside the bottom bracket — a system so stealth that the slowest club rider will have a secret edge on Saturday morning pain fests.

And in another dazzling feat of engineering, a super lightweight helium-based lithium-ion battery, as thin as a sheet of paper and covered with microscopic solar cells, generates a steady flow of power to the motor. The battery, integrated into the rear seat stays, transmits power to the motor using a wireless relay.

The SRAM FK is also fitted with a brain activated shifting system. Based on complex algorithms derived from staff heart rate rhythms, the system will automatically shift depending upon heart beat and personalized coefficients.

The shifting system, dubbed Red Blood Shift, is the most revolutionary system ever sold on a bike, Day said. “It’s thoughtless,” he added.

Braking is over the top. A new innovative electronic system with an ABS function helps lower weight. The system was developed in partnership with SRAM’s German automotive friends — a club of automotive engineers and cycling enthusiasts who have been working with SRAM’s Schweinfurt development team.

SRAM will show off the new model at a dealer event in Aspen this summer. It will boast a hefty price tag, however. “All this radical technology and super engineering isn’t cheap,” Day said. Suggested MSRP is $35,000 before Zipp wheels and Quarq Powermeter.

CROSS VEGAS MOVES EVENT TO PAWNEE, IN

In a move that surprised many cyclocross fans, the season-opening CrossVegas cyclocross race announced it would relocate the popular race to Pawnee Indiana beginning with the 2013 edition scheduled Wednesday September 18.

At a press conference held April 1 in Pawnee City Council Chambers, Ron Swanson, Director of Pawnee Parks and Recreation was joined by CrossVegas Race Director Brook Watts and Deputy Parks Director Leslie Knope to announce the move.

“We’re pleased to have CrossVegas as the centerpiece of our Pawnee Harvest Festival.” Swanson announced. Swanson added, “Cyclocross has the potential to transform the youth of Pawnee.”

Watts described the move from Las Vegas to Pawnee as “a natural progression for CrossVegas. Las Vegas is simply not equipped to handle large-scale international events like Pawnee can. The Parks and Recreation staff has a proven track record of success.”

Pawnee’s biggest civic booster Deputy Director Leslie Knope admitted she was the catalyst for the move by contacting CrossVegas organization and actively recruiting them. “Pawnee runs in my veins. I was born here. I grew up here. I was educated here. I made friends here. I fell off my bike here and scraped my knee here. I ate my first waffle here – and will eat my last one here, too. I fell in love here. I work here. I live here. 24 hours a day, I live for Pawnee,” Knope explained.

About Pawnee, Indiana – Pawnee is not a tourist Mecca, but this fact has made it a somewhat desirable location for those looking to get away from the crowds. Whether it’s taking in a community theater play in the park, guided tours of old Wamapoke hunting and burial grounds, or just shopping in a chain store on Main Street, there’s always at least one thing to do on the weekends. The city has several hotels.

About CrossVegasCrossVegas is the biggest cyclocross race in the U.S., taking place each September.

Comments

g - 04/01/13 - 11:13am

Wow! Those were hilarious.

Campy Seatpost - 04/01/13 - 11:26am

$35k for something you can’t pedal? That’s a lot to spend on a downhill bike that’s not even full sus, much less long travel.

Campy Seatpost - 04/01/13 - 11:27am

$35k is asking a lot. I’d pay $34k AT MOST.

StefanStout - 04/01/13 - 12:06pm

Double Barrel-Advanced Generation…D-BAG?

mike - 04/01/13 - 1:10pm

don’t forget Bike Shop Hub’s excellent entry. seriously funny

http://www.commutebybike.com/2013/04/01/scatolock-automatic-bike-lock-with-hidden-smart-key/

Ivo.M - 04/01/13 - 1:18pm

Stealth Motor, hidden around the BB? New? Really? Come on.

http://www.vivax-assist.com/en/unternehmen/

Boris - 04/01/13 - 2:35pm

Cane Creek’s one was the best one :). I like how they make fun of Rock Shox’s new Vivid Air R2C which is available only to the pro uci riders.
“According to Cane Creek, 100% of riders cannot reap the benefits of the CHURN. Liter- ally, there is nobody alive that is qualified to ride the CHURN. For testing, Cane Creek built a bike riding robot, BikeBot, to explore the CHURN’S limits. BikeBot was programmed to only speak French so we could not interview it” hahaha :) Awesome!

Peter - 04/01/13 - 6:24pm

I was a fan of the Skratch Labs one emailed out this morning:

http://www.skratchlabs.com/blogs/news/7604123-skratch-labs-launches-real-food-line

bin judgin - 04/02/13 - 2:29am

I drank keg beer with Stan. Haha, “It’s thoughtless”

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