Hipster Traps Being Set Around New York City

Police are on the hunt for the perpetrator who has been setting “hipster traps” around New York City. The traps are comprised of a steel-jawed leg hole trap baited with a pair of pink Wayfarer sunglasses, a pack of American Spirit cigarettes, a yellow single speed chain, and a can of PBR. Although some experts believe that trapping hipsters might not be a bad thing. Nicko McBrain of Animal Control NYC had this to say: “Trapping can help protect endangered species. I mean, thrift stores in New York City ran out of small-girl jeans three years ago. They were nearly driven to extinction by male hipsters. By controlling the hipster population, the small-girl jean population will have an opportunity to recover.” A hipster who would only identify himself as “Holden” thinks that the traps are just further evidence of The Man’s conspiracy to destroy the hipster: “Ya dude, first they used airborne leaflet propaganda and brainwashing to turn a bunch of old school messengers and convince them that riding brakeless fixies was hella cool. Then brakelessness spread like a plague amongst the hipster population. Thing is man, the hipsters weren’t physiologically equipped to deal with riding a brakeless fixie,” he said as he took another drag of his cigarette, hugged his knees to his chest, and stared off wistfully into space. “They bit it left and right — gigantic sunglasses split open, white ear buds stained with blood, arm sleeve tattoos transformed into huge scabs…it was awful, it is awful, and now this.” Holden and other hipsters like him may not be able to look to the NYPD for protection either: “Hunting for the perpetrator? Ya, we wanna find the guy and give him a frickin’ medal!” Said Detective James Van Der Beek of the NYPD. “Hey, I’m kidding. But seriously, we’re gonna throw the book at this perp…a book entitled Hey Mr. Hipster Trap Setting Guy, You Are Frickin’ Awesome! ” Detective Van Der Beek was the only member of the NYPD to return BikeRumor’s calls.

(Via Gawker)

Comments

pen1s hurst - 03/15/11 - 4:44pm

violence against cyclist of any form can only lead to positive things I guess for the cycling community at large. thanks for spreading the love.

binny bin - 03/15/11 - 4:55pm

Nikko McBrain is actually the drummer for Iron Maiden. :)

holpunch - 03/15/11 - 7:05pm

What’s the bounty on a hipster pelt?

Chipollini - 03/15/11 - 11:49pm

Not much, the leather quality is usually terrible due to the life style… Upholstering a serious piece is difficult when your leather has a corny sparrow or and emo quote on it, most likely never used sunblock or lotion, or soap… I pay more for scalps though, the hair quality is much better, seems the only usable part. Soylent Green for the rest if you know what I mean.

Alexandra Wallace - 03/16/11 - 1:40am

another rant about hipsters?? “OH ha ha look at me I know how to talk about hipster things like PBR and 80′s sunglasses! I must be a genius”

making fun of people can be awesome, but this joke is just SO f(*)ing old now.

Joe - 03/16/11 - 7:48am

This joke really is getting so old now…

So old, I had it on Vinyl!

Zen - 03/16/11 - 8:22am

@ alexandra – Try not being a walking/talking cliche’, you might find it’s not longer a problem

Yvon Chouinard - 03/16/11 - 5:26pm

I just don’t get it, whats bull riding got to do with hips?

PS I love exploiting the earth for profit!!!!!!!!

Arvind Thyagarajan - 03/19/11 - 11:47pm

The shades and the smokes are light enough not to trigger the trap. Just reach in verrrry slowly. Next hook the chain with a spoke from the mountain bike locked to the steel gate of the defunct used electronics store. Score! Then you gotta knock the PBR off with a stick, if it pops, no prob… it’s cheap.

[...] week BikeRumor reported that a maniac is on the loose in New York City, setting bear traps for unsuspecting hipsters. Well one hipster (who has decided to withhold his name for legal [...]

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