Hipster Traps Being Set Around New York City
Police are on the hunt for the perpetrator who has been setting “hipster traps” around New York City. The traps are comprised of a steel-jawed leg hole trap baited with a pair of pink Wayfarer sunglasses, a pack of American Spirit cigarettes, a yellow single speed chain, and a can of PBR. Although some experts believe that trapping hipsters might not be a bad thing. Nicko McBrain of Animal Control NYC had this to say: “Trapping can help protect endangered species. I mean, thrift stores in New York City ran out of small-girl jeans three years ago. They were nearly driven to extinction by male hipsters. By controlling the hipster population, the small-girl jean population will have an opportunity to recover.” A hipster who would only identify himself as “Holden” thinks that the traps are just further evidence of The Man’s conspiracy to destroy the hipster: “Ya dude, first they used airborne leaflet propaganda and brainwashing to turn a bunch of old school messengers and convince them that riding brakeless fixies was hella cool. Then brakelessness spread like a plague amongst the hipster population. Thing is man, the hipsters weren’t physiologically equipped to deal with riding a brakeless fixie,” he said as he took another drag of his cigarette, hugged his knees to his chest, and stared off wistfully into space. “They bit it left and right — gigantic sunglasses split open, white ear buds stained with blood, arm sleeve tattoos transformed into huge scabs…it was awful, it is awful, and now this.” Holden and other hipsters like him may not be able to look to the NYPD for protection either: “Hunting for the perpetrator? Ya, we wanna find the guy and give him a frickin’ medal!” Said Detective James Van Der Beek of the NYPD. “Hey, I’m kidding. But seriously, we’re gonna throw the book at this perp…a book entitled Hey Mr. Hipster Trap Setting Guy, You Are Frickin’ Awesome! ” Detective Van Der Beek was the only member of the NYPD to return BikeRumor’s calls.