Got Caught Doping? Fat Cyclist Can Help

Posted earlier today on his blog, Fat Cyclist has this clever, one-size-fits-all press release ready for you, just in case you get that dreaded positive test result…

Earlier today, I was as astounded as you are to discover that I tested positive for [circle all that apply: Testosterone / Clenbuterol / EPO / Abnormally high levels of Diet Coke] during the [Name or number of stage] stage of the [Name of Race]. This race happened [choose one: two days ago / two months ago] and I find it highly suspicious that it has taken [choose one: The UCI / WADA] such an incredibly [choose one: short / long] time to come out and accuse me. I think that [choose one: short / long] wait indicates a highly suspicious bias against me.

For the record, I wish to state unequivocally, that I am [circle one: entirely innocent / surprised and outraged / baffled as to how it is possible that my red blood cell count got that high without my heart stopping], and that I will fight these charges [circle one: until my final breath / until my name is cleared / until my attorney discovers that I don’t have enough money to retain their services].

As you all know, I have always been a strong advocate for clean cycling, as witnessed by my [circle one: years and years of testing clean / socks that say “Dopers suck” / the way I have immediately stopped any kind of association with other cyclists once they’ve been implicated in any scandal / subscription to Boy’s Life magazine].

Further, I would like to point out that the science behind the tests responsible for the “positive” finding is [circle one: outdated / based on an algorithm commonly used in random number generators / really complicated and confusing / new and untested], and should therefore not be trusted.

When clean cyclists like myself are being accused of doping, what it really means is that the system is broken — that the tests are [choose one or more: unfair / inaccurate / inconvenient / a total witch-hunt].

I wish to point out that the amount of the banned substance for which I have been tested would [choose one: not be enough to do me any good / obviously be enough to get me caught and so I wouldn’t be so stupid as to take it anyway]. As a professional cyclist, I am tested on an incredibly frequent basis; I would never be so foolish as to put my livelihood in jeopardy by taking banned substances. Other cyclists would, but I wouldn’t. Because that would be wrong.

Also, I have enemies in the sport, people who are trying to besmirch my good name and sabotage my career. [circle one: Dick Pound / Pat McQuaid] has had it in for me for years. I don’t know why he is so angry at me.

I am confident that once [circle one: the B sample / the C sample / all the evidence / the conspiracy theory I am currently concocting] comes out, I will be exonerated, and will be able to resume the sport of cycling I love so much.

Until then, I would ask you to remember that I should be thought of innocent [circle one: until / unless] I am proven guilty.

Thank you. I will not be taking any questions.


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