Stealing air from car tires with a homemade two-headed hose…it’s simple and easy and the guys over on Lifehacker will tell you how. Shoot, it’s actually so easy that I can tell you how. The only items you will require to pull this wonderful hack off are two chucks (pump heads) and a length of air hose. The acquisition of these items is pretty simple — just ask your local bike shop to order you a replacement air hose of any variety, along with an extra head. Just looking briefly at my Bontrager Charger pump here, I can see how easy it would be to pull off. So easy I could do it. And that means it’s REALLY easy. Now it seems like the guys over at Lifehacker have taken some heat for merely suggesting that you should hook your awesome-new-air-hose up to a Hummer to steal some air, and I’m here to draw some of that heat by saying YES, you should totally steal air from cars. Especially Hummers. And extra-especially the big, lame, yellow ones. Why? Because some people deserve it (like yellow Hummer drivers), and besides, “Air Theft” will never hold up in court.
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Really, how can someone steal air? How can you steal something that has no value? Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines theft as:
the act of stealing; specifically : the felonious taking and removing of personal property with intent to deprive the rightful owner of it
Can one OWN air? Is that a thing? OK, ya, it probably is. I guess there are such things as No-Fly-Zones, but that involves someone being in the air-area of someone else, not the removal of said air. What’s the worst that can happen? You have to put the air back in the victim’s tires? Or do you pay him back in air? It’s nothing like siphoning gas out of someone’s gas tank…is it? These are some deep, well though out questions.
Living in a city like Somerville, Massachusetts we have a lot of issues pertaining to parking, particularly when it snows. Once people has shoveled out a parking spot, they often lay claim to it by placing a chair, or a trash can, or a large barrel labeled “toxic waste” in it (that is not a joke). If another driver has the audacity to remove that place-saving object to park his own car there…wow-wow-wee-wow, watch out! We’re talking tire slashing, window smashing, hood bashing fun here. The parking spot saving, car-vandalizing person in this equation has definitely done something illegal, no question…but is it WRONG? I mean he has attacked another person’s car because they “stole” something from him that never belonged to him in the first place — a parking spot — but he put a whole bunch of back-breaking labor into creating that parking spot, he absolutely has a right to be homicidally-pissed, but lacks non-highly-illegal recourse.
But now, with this two-headed-hose-hack, the vehicle-assailant has another, less legally black and white option — he can “steal” something from the parking spot thief which may not (or may) belong to him — AIR. “Hey D-Bag, give me back my parking spot, and I’ll give you back your air, alright.”
All I know is that my neighbor with the yellow Hummer better watch out this winter.