I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you are a cyclist, going out for Halloween as…a cyclist is simply not an option. It’s like a ninja going out as a ninja. It’s like Lady Gaga going out as Lady Gaga. It’s like the cowboy from The Village People going out as…the cowboy from The Village People. Of course it would be OK for the cowboy from the village people to go out as the construction worker from The Village People or vice versa. AND based on that model, perhaps you could trade everyday-outfits with someone you know (as long as he isn’t a cyclist too, no cheating!) and go out as each other. Hey, maybe you’re lucky enough to know a mental patient who runs around in an Iron Man costume year round, that would be incredibly sweet. Of course he might not get that hooked up in the exchange if you’re say, an accountant. Then again, he might end up being a real stand out at a Halloween party for the criminally insane dressed in your accountant suit. And you, you’d be a huge hit wherever you went in your Iron Man-suit-that-reeks-of-urine-and-whiskey-costume.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “But I don’t normally wear my cycling clothes out to social occasions, so it’s all novel and freaky.” No. Not really. It’s about as novel and freaky as someone showing up to a costume party dressed in golfing clothes or a Yoga outfit. But don’t despair too-too much, there is one way that you can venture out this Halloween season while wearing lycra and not getting horribly ridiculed and judged by jerks like me: you can dress up as your favorite DOPER! And what better accessory for a Doper costume than a big bag of watermelon or cherry flavored CANDY BLOOD?
More very tasteful pics of Doper costumes and info on Candy Blood after the break…
Photo Cred: Embro James
There are several manufacturers of candy blood bags, and these sugary-sweet bags of red gunk made of who-knows-what can be purchased through Oriental Trading, Buy Costumes, or Amazon. I’m sure there are even more options out there if you care to do some further Googlin’ around. The product on Amazon is actually called “Energy Drink Blood Energy Potion.” I have the feeling that it might give you energy. And of course there’s True Blood, a tie in to the popular HBO series about vampires who decide to go mainstream by not feeding on humans and only subsisting on a synthetic blood substitute. But that comes in a bottle which renders it entirely useless when it comes accessorizing doping cyclist costumes.
It also helps to pull off a costume like this if you wear a pair of Speedo shorts instead of cycling bibs for an added dose of irreverence. If you’re like me, your uh…roommate might have some lying around. Wearing a two size too small cycling jersey can’t hurt the cause either. Look how ridiculous my uh…model looks in these photographs. Man he has packed on a few pounds since his last race of the season. Nothing a little Clenbuterol can’t fix!
The Bike Rumor design department is on strike right now, so I had to get all these rickety montages done myself by uh…asking my model and my roommate (the guy with the fruity Speedos) to do them for me. Man, those dudes suck at Photoshop! If they had any skills at all I would have asked them to mock up a really killer Filip Meirhaeghe costume with the big, veiny, Arnold Schwarzenegger arms and all. And in a perfect world the Vino costume would definitely have a big stuffed, ghetto-booty thing going on.
Virenque? The only accessory you need aside from the candy blood bags is a spray bottle to simulate tears. Poor Virenque.
And if you want to take it to a totally macabre level, go out as Tyler Hamilton with a bloody baby doll affixed to your body in some fashion. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t post this, I think I just figured out my Halloween costume.
The problem with all these costumes is that, unless you are going to a Halloween party attended mainly by other cyclists…no one is going to get any of them. The entire evening people will be walking up to you saying “Who are you supposed to be, Lance Armstrong?” OK, maybe not if you go out as Rasmussen in a chicken suit or Hamilton with a conjoined twin represented by a bloody baby doll.